Today is such an another boring day. Yes it’s Monday. Working hard all day long, trying to do what a normal grown-up does, and trying to act like my life is full of love…make me feel so lost now – when the lights go down – when I’m alone in my bed, thinking about my day. What do I really want? What do I really desire?
I remember when I was a kid, I always tried to do things which make my life more interesting by so many crazy ways such as: chaging the names of everything (in hope of changing the whole world), trying to find the treasure in my backyard, trying to create my own language, breaking every rules….
When I was a kid, I wasn’t afraid to be different!
But look at me now, when I’m not a kid anymore…
When I’m a so called grown-up, I have to teach kids the actual names of things, have to have a job to earn money (finding treasure is now becoming a job too), have to the rules/law. It seems like what a grown-up really afraid of is being different!
Anyways, being an adult has its own good in many different fields. But now I’m not in the mood to talk about them. 😦 Now, I just wish I could be a kid again. lol Everybody wish for that! 😀
Hmmm, let me talk about the title of this entry. “Betraying ex-love”. Yeah, that’s exactly what I can feel now about love subject.
My ex-love has a lovely name – Vivian. After 5 years of love, we’d came to the break-up of this relationship. It’s been more than 2 years since the break-up. I’ve never stop thinking about her, and I’ve never thought I could move on with anyone else, never thought I could wish anyone else to stay in my life. I’ve thought I would wait to meet her again someday when we get older, and then I would tell her that I’m still waiting for her to come back home. Yeah I’ve thought so! And I’m doing this every single day of my life, since she’s been gone. But, I’m becoming a betrayer to my own thought!
There’s an stranger come in my life, who makes my “every single day” changes! I’m not sure If I’m having a crush on her, but I miss her, feel like kissing her, hugging her, making out with her, doing anything a lover could do with her. Yes, I still want all of these right now.
So, I’m not a faithful person like I’ve thought?! So, I’m not going to love one and only Vivian for the rest of my life?! So, I’m falling in love again?!
No, I’m not sure. Is this love/ having crush, or just lust?! I don’t know!
I can’t say it love ’cause I’ve just known this special stranger for about 2 months. This breaks my own rule. Am I falling for a person who I’ve just met that fast? I can’t accept this! I hate this feeling.
Lonely and anxious.
What I can do now is to wait! Wait for…what will be will be!
But I have to say that I’m a betrayer who betray my own thought, betray my own choice, betray ex-love. I hate the change, but I’m feel myself changing now.
I’m afraid to fall in love again, and if so, it will be very different this time. ‘Cause I know this stranger won’t love me back! I’ve never having crush on someone and yet don’t even like this type of love. So hope time will brings the peace back to my soul, then I will continue to walk through the hard road of life within only one big love – Vivian as I ever planned before.
It’s 1:21 AM now. Too sleepy to think or write anything more. I need to love my body, let it rest for being woken up at 5 AM. It’ll be a new day, new hope waiting for me. Hope so.
Tuesday, November 29, 2011