Save me from myself

    

    

[Daddy, I love you….]

Wednesday, Jan 11, 2012

What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger!

Bi

 

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I dare you to love me

When you asked me if I want to tell you about what made my day bad, I smiled.

Thank you, for asking me such a normal question. Thank you, for acting like you care.

I told you “maybe later, I don’t feel like talking about it now while we’re just chatting.” but in fact, I’m not sure whether if I should tell you about it or not. Telling you my pain or keep my family portrait clean? No, maybe I shouldn’t tell you. I’m okay with that, I’m used to it. Am I? I don’t know. I don’t feel anything now. I’m not that sad which I’m supposed to be within what I saw. Maybe I don’t care about it anymore. But I’m still scared. I’m scared that the feelings which I’m supposed to feel now suddenly explode someday for no reasons, again. Or maybe I’m really okay, 100% ’cause this has happened since I was 5 so I must be very used to it. Who care. I don’t care anymore. I’m tired of thinking anything in the world now. I just need you now, sitting there, asking kind of superficial questions, or yet doing nothing, just sitting there…with me.

Just thinking of your face now. Nothing more, nothing else matters.

I don’t why I like you that much. I don’t know why I want you that much. Still can’t find reasons.

I don’t give a shit about anything in this world now. All I want is you since you asked me “how was your day?”.

Why things have to be that complicated? Why I have to pretend that I don’t care about you? Why I can’t just ask you “Do you want to fall in love with me?” and then you say “Yes. I do.” and then we could stay happy together.

Baby, I want to be there with you, in your bed, but this time we don’t have to think about anyone else in the world, this time I’m yours and you’re mine, just us in the world, and we can make out for hours or even more If you want to. I wanna be with you. I want to be your one and only….

But I know you don’t wish for the same thing. You don’t even care. No, you don’t. I don’t know you. I don’t know anything at all. That’s why I have to hate you, try to ignore you, pretend like I don’t give a shit about you.

What’s the point of fate now? Will fate bring us together?

Friday, Jan 06, 2012
Never having this feeling before, the feeling of thinking so much of someone who don’t do the same.
Bi

Every Teardrop Is A Waterfall

I turn the music up, I got my records on
I shut the world outside until the lights come on
Maybe the streets alight, maybe the trees are gone
I feel my heart start beating to my favorite song

And all the kids they dance, all the kids all night
Until Monday morning feels another life
I turn the music up
I’m on a roll this time
And heaven is in sight

I turn the music up, I got my records on
From underneath the rubble sing a rebel song
Don’t want to see another generation drop
I’d rather be a comma than a full stop

Maybe I’m in the black, maybe I’m on my knees
Maybe I’m in the gap between the two trapezes
But my heart is beating and my pulses start
Cathedrals in my heart

As we saw oh this light I swear you, emerge blinking into
To tell me it’s alright
As we soar walls, every siren is a symphony
And every tear’s a waterfall
Is a waterfall
Oh
Is a waterfall
Oh oh oh
Is a is a waterfall
Every tear
Is a waterfall
Oh oh oh

So you can hurt, hurt me bad
But still I’ll raise the flag

Oh
It was a wa wa wa wa wa-aterfall
A wa wa wa wa wa-aterfall

Every tear
Every tear
Every teardrop is a waterfall

Every tear
Every tear
Every teardrop is a waterfall

Every tear
Every tear
Every teardrop is a waterfall

Riding aimlessly on street, music was in my head. Started to cry.
First teardrop, I’m in hell. Can’t breathe and I’m numb. Feel like I have no friends, no friends who ever really care or even know about my feelings. Feel like I’m an robot so people don’t believe that I have feelings or soul or heart to be broken. Somewhere in my body hurts, really hurts, but I don’t know where. I’m tired, maybe for the sleepless 48 hours, or maybe for her cold words. I don’t know anything now. Just riding and feeling the pain running in my veins. So I’ve just found my tear – The first teardrop, I’m in hell all by myself.

Second teardrop, I think about the people who is dying somewhere out there. And then I want to cry more, but wonder what for (?!) at the same time. I’m still alive. I can’t die, no I can’t just die and feel free. I was born in this life for reasons, to pay for Karma. Was I? I’m broken into pieces, but I know I’m not the only one. There are too many people in this world for me to feel that I’m the only one who is in the bottom of sadness.

Last teardrop, who care if I have anyone or what I’m feeling now. Who care. The world won’t stop and stare. People won’t listen ’cause we all have our own scream. So now, I decide to stop screaming and give more chances to listen. Listen to the sound of this life, the sound of hope and love. I find my soul in heaven. Yeah I’m crying, I’m broken and hurt. But who care. I’m still alive, standing on my own feet. I’m my own saviour, always, and if you’re feeling down now, come take my hand. I can be your hero too.

I’m not robot. I have a heart which content the biggest love; a sould which can heal the pain; and strong hands which can plant a beautiful life.

Monday, Jan 02, 2012
I found my tears. 🙂
Bi

Think back and replay your year; if it doesn’t bring you tears of either joy or sadness, consider it wasted. – Ally McBeal

Blame it on me

“A friend to all is a friend to none.” – Aristotle

Tonight I spent time alone walking in the park, as usual, listened to music and started to think about every random things. Suddenly, I thought about friendship. I felt…bad. Yes, I have a lot of friends, acquaintances, etc… but if you ever ask me “What is friendship?”, I think I will be unable to find the answer for you. Sometimes I saw my friends talking about friendship – about how much they love each other; how much they can do for each other, and in my mind I started to wonder “why, how, what, are they?”. And after all, I blame it on myself. I always feel lonely whenever I’m in a club with my friends dancing around me, or I’m alone in my room. Yes I always feel that lonely. Maybe I don’t know how to show my love, I don’t know how to keep a friend, I don’t know anything about how to build friendship.

I’ve thought I could write down my whole feelings and what was in my mind. But now, everything is gone. I can’t find my words. I’m having a headache now. Too bad. Maybe I’ll talk about this topic – friendship – later.

And here is a cute song about friendship.

Friday, December 09, 2011

Just another ordinary day.

Bi

What are your top three hobbies?

Hmm, this is such a hard question for me. I need a top 10 instead of 3. Lol. I’m kind of a polymath or maybe a dilettante you can say, so it’s hard for me to pick out 3 hobbies as the top 3 of mine. Let me see. Okay here are the top 3 hobbies I’ve been doing lately:

1/ Sport:

This is an indispensable hobby of my life. I love swimming, basketball, riding bicycle…I can also play soccer, badminton, Judo…etc. I want to play all sports if I have enough chance and time. I’m an Aries, and as it’s said that Aries woman is kind of daredevil and reckless. 😀 I’m not sure I can be that reckless daredevil but I sure can travel the with you through all the wildest adventures. Too bad I’m still single now, so that lately I just can go swimming or jogging alone whenever I have spare time. Sometimes, I feel myself a Loner somehow. 🙂

2/ Reading:

I love reading. That’s all I can say. Which way of reading do you prefer? Ebook or traditional book? For me, I still prefer traditional book for various reasons. I do have problem with reading ebook. First, I can’t stay concentrated while reading an ebook. Second, Reading ebook on phone or, any electronic devices causes eyestrain so that I can’t read for more than 1 hour. 😦 At last, I love to turn pages, and for me, a house without books is like a body without soul. Somehow, books become an elegant decoration in house which has the ability to bring you inspiration. I enjoy the classic type: a book, a cup of coffee or tea, a quiet vew and a ventilated space.

3/ Watching movie:

“Do you prefer watching movie or reading book?” – some people asked me. “Both” – I said. I don’t feel like giving reasons for this right now. Maybe later. 🙂 If you follow me long time, maybe you will know exactly about me and my hobbies.

Yeah, those above are my top 3 hobbies. So, what are yours?

It’s not what you do, it’s how you do it.
It’s not what you see, it’s how you look at it.
It’s not how your life is, it’s how you live it.

Tuesday, December 06, 2011

I’ve just been back from 2 days of doing nothing, writing nothing, crying no tears, feeling nothing. But, as always, no matter what the fuck happened to me, no matter how the fuck I was feeling, who care, the world is keeping turning around and people is keeping screaming for their own. No one have time for anyone. Born alone, die alone. And, again, I’m my hero! Remember: Save yourself first!

I’m a loner and a lonely one either. But I think I’m okay or will be okay. Is that what I’m supposed to say?! Who care! I don’t care. I just can’t die and leave this hell. No, that’s not the way I’m gonna do. I will find a reason for myself to keep carrying on my life – the debt which I was born to pay for.

Still can’t cry. But everything will be okay. Soon.

Bi

And I lift my hands and pray

 

There’s a song that’s inside of my soul
It’s the one that I’ve tried to write over and over again.
I’m awaken in the infinite cold
But you sing to me over and over and over again

So I lay my head back down
And I lift my hands and pray
To be only yours
I pray
To be only yours
I know now
You’re my only hope

Sing to me the song of the stars
Of your galaxy dancing and laughing and laughing again
When it feels like my dreams are so far
Sing to me all the plans that you have for me over again.

So I lay my head back down
And I lift my hands and pray
To be only yours
I pray
To be only yours
I know now
You’re my only hope

I give you my destiny
I’m giving you all of me
I want your symphony
Singing in all that I am
At the top of my lungs
I’m giving it back

So I lay my head back down
And I lift my hands and pray
To be only yours
I pray
To be only yours
I pray
To be only yours
I know now
You’re my only hope

 

 

What can I say now? How to start now? What am I feeling or supposed to feel now?

I don’t know, or don’t want to think about anything…

I hate everything about me.

Pls stop it!

I wish I could cry out loud, but I can’t and that makes me suffocating.

I want to cry, just want to cry…

But, where is my tear? I can’t find my tear nowhere.

Do you know the feeling that you can’t cry although you’re broken into pieces inside? Do you know the feeling that you can’t express your own feeling and you just sit there with all your world coming down but your face is still unchanged and your eyes are as dry as bone!

I’m awaken in the infinite cold.

I’m praying…

praying for an end of this foolishness.

praying for a help to find my tear.

praying that I can get back to normal.

Not so much happiness, but not so much pain either.

I’m praying and praying.

I don’t want to think about anything else.

Mother pls come help me. I’m praying the my Mother.

You’re my only hope now. Pls save me from the nothing I’ve become.

 

 

Saturday, December 03, 2011

Loneliness and silence keeps me so tight that I can’t breathe.

Someone call my name, wake me up, save me, pls?!

Bi

 

Grown-up Christmas List

Do you remember me
I sat upon your knee
I wrote to you
With childhood fantasies
Well, Im all grown up now
And still need help somehow
Im not a child
But my heart still can dream
So heres my lifelong wish
My grown up christmas list
Not for myself
But for a world in need
No more lives torn apart
That wars would never start
And time would heal all hearts
And everyone would have a friend
And right would always win
And love would never end
This is my grown up christmas list
As children we believed
The grandest sight to see
Was something lovely
Wrapped beneath our tree
But heaven only knows
That packages and bows
Can never heal
A hurting human soul
No more lives torn apart
That wars would never start
And time would heal all hearts
And everyone would have a friend
And right would always win
And love would never end
This is my grown up christmas list
What is this illusion called the innocence of youth
Maybe only in our blind belief can we ever find the truth
(thered be)
No more lives torn apart
That wars would never start
And time would heal all hearts
And everyone would have a friend
And right would always win
And love would never end, oh
This is my grown up christmas list
This is my only life long wish
This is my grown up christmas list

Yes, I’m all grown up now and still need help somehow. I’m not a child but my heart still can dream. 🙂

Hm…So, what’s on your Christmas wishlist?

I wish I could be a little cat in the world. 😛 Sometimes, being human makes you tired, let’s become a cat! B-)

It’s 1:06 Am. Friday, December 02, 2011.

Wanting to see her face, talk to her.

I hate my ego for always holding me from telling her what I really want to tell. I hate my stupid ego! I wish I could tell her how much I’ve been thinking of her. Keep asking myself why she came into my life, made me feel safe, opened me up… and then makes me feel so cold in the night. What is the point of fate, here?

  

  

I never love nobody fully
Always one foot on the ground
And by protecting my heart truly
I got lost in the sounds

Missing you, B!

Sweet dream and have a nice day then. 🙂

Bi